So apparently it’s Christmas* time (where did November go?). And, as I know there are are still a few of you who don’t know WHAT to give your loved ones this holiday season, I thought I’d give you a few helpful suggestions. No need to thank me. I know I’m an exceptionally kind person. Anywayz, here goes…

Mums:

Jukebox - Cat Power

I don’t know about your mum, but the only thing my mum likes more than crooning gay men who sound like black women (see Christmas Wishlist 2007) is “female vocalists.” Thus, Cat Power would undoubtedly bring a tear of joy to not only her eye, but the eyes of mums all across the globe. Actually, it brings a tear to my eye as well, but that tear is of another variety.**

 

 

Dads:

Everything That Happens Will Happen Today - David Byrne & Brian Eno

My dad has a man crush on David Byrne. I know this is not a strange phenomenon, as I have talked to several people in similar situations. I am assuming, however, that everyone’s dad is/was (and still kind of is) a music nerd and would therefor appreciate an album that is both kick-ass, and by someone who he really liked in the 80’s.

 

 

Hipsters:

Microcastle - Deerhunter

Seeing as the Bradford Cox Phenomenon has been going on for some months now, I guess it’s fair to assume that most good hipsters will already have this album, and have probably started hating it due to it’s spot at number five on Pitchfork’s Top Albums of 2008 list. But, just in case any of your dear hipster friends have missed the boat, you may want to pick this one up for them. It’s really great, so they should probably hate it.

 

Aspiring Hipsters:

Volume One - She & Him

Now the actual, full-blooded hipsters*** have a bit of a contentious relationship with this album. It’s kind of good, but not as earth-shatteringly awesome as a record by an actress (albeit a hip one) would have to be to make it on to any of their top 100 lists. Aspiring hipsters, however, should have a pretty good time with this. It’s fun and adorable and popular with all the right blogs, just like those little hipster-wannabes. We love you guys!

 

People with no taste in music/Wolf Parade fans who refuse to admit this album sucks:

At Mount Zoomer - Wolf Parade

This album was soooooo disappointing to everyone who allowed themselves to be disappointed. Of course, there were a few people out there who were so determined that the new Wolf Parade album not suck that they actually heard The Joshua Tree or something similarly much better playing in their heads when they listened to this. But, you know, they probably downloaded it illegally so they should have their own (legitimate) copy, really. Also, some people just have no taste in music. They’ll want this too.

 

People you secretly hate:

Juno Soundtrack - Various

I can say with some confidence (even having not listened to every single album released this year) that this is the WORST album of 2008 and possibly all time. Yes, worse than Night Falls Over Kortedala. Thus, it is the perfect gift for your secret enemies, and can torture them in at least two ways. If they don’t like it, they will be forced to listen to it at least once out of propriety. If they do like it, they will forever be known as “that guy who actually likes the Juno soundtrack” and thus have no friends. Also, it definitely causes the listener’s ears to bleed, and possibly causes cancer.

 

Listless 35-year-old men****:

Antidotes - Foals

Everybody knows at least one 35-year-old dude who just kind of hangs out wondering where his youth has gone. This is (I assume) the age when men, out of panic, decide to get married to women who are also really panicky about the fact that they aren’t married. To save your listless 35-year-old man from such a fate, I suggest gifting him this album. It is fun and kind of badass at the same time, just like him, and will hopefully inspire him to stop being listless.

 

People who love to rock:

Attack & Release - The Black Keys

The Black Keys may not be particularly original, but they ARE particularly rockfull. Thus, people who love to rock will love to rock out to this rockin’ album. 

 

 

 

 

Pretentious gen-xers:

Modern Guilt - Beck

Almost everyone over the age of 30 agrees, Beck shits gold. When you inform these people that he is actually a Scientologist, and therefor actually shits retard shit, they will respond one of two ways. One - by choosing not to believe you and not looking it up to verify. Or two - informing you that his “religion” is irrelevant to his art. Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t like anything created by someone stupid enough to waste that kind of money on a retarded cult that believes alien souls are inhabiting our bodies, particularly if that someone likes to put a maximum of one good song on each of his albums.

 

People who have listened to too much music and are sick of everything else:

Street Horrrsing - Fuck Buttons

By “people who have listened to too much music and are sick of everything else” I am, of course, talking about myself. And I already have every Animal Collective album currently available, so please get me this because it kicks ass. Fuck Buttons kick ass. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck*****…

 

 

That one guy you know who has no idea how to wash or brush his hair but can (and will) talk at lengths about Nietzche, Kant, and the like:

Offend Maggie - Deerhoof

There are some people so pretentious, they can’t even function in society. These people (who, by the way, are the people all the hipsters are trying to be) will likely really appreciate the sheer weirdness that is Deerhoof******. If you’re cheap, however, you could just burn this on a disc for them. It’s all bootlegged and shit, so they’ll probably like it even more.

 

 

Girls who like to cry (formerly known as emo kids):

For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver

Any boys still doing the whole emo thing are officially the lamest people ever, as everyone knows that boys have no feelings and therefor cannot be sad. Girls still doing the whole emo thing, however, get a pass (at least until the age of 19, when they have to buck the fuck up) due to the fact that the woman’s heart is full of complex, intense emotions that can sometimes only be expressed through tears. Bon Iver can facilitate those tears, ladies. Just don’t forget that he’s male, and will therefor rip your heart out with his soulless teeth if given the opportunity*******.

 

Everyone:

Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes

If there is anyone left on Earth who doesn’t like this album, I’d like to know who they are and ask them wtf is wrong with them. Srsly.

 

 

 

 

Thus ends the 2008 Christmas Wishlist. Good luck out there, kids. Happy Christmas, Happy Channukah, Happy Midwinter, and Happy Shopping.

Love, Jocelyn

*As a recovering Catholic/Jew with no current ties to any religious organization except Animal Collective, I mean “Christmas” in a wholly non-religiously-descript and inoffensive way.

**Dislike.

***You can identify a real hipster by whether or not they admit to being a hipster. If the vehemently don’t, it doesn’t matter how they dress or what they listen to, they definitely are one.

****This is not a reference to any particular listless 35-year-old man, as I am privileged to know several.

*****It’s OK, Mum. It’s part of their name.

******It is technically possible to possess awesome social skills and still like Deerhoof. I do it every day.

*******No offense, guys. I just hate all of you.

Posted by Jocelyn

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